OK, if you are male, you may want to back out of this post right now.
So I have a wedding to go to in about 10 days. That means I need a new dress. That means I have to shop, repeatedly.
I have been on one shopping expedition thus far. Let me tell you, it wasn’t pretty. I do not know why all dresses have to be strappy and plunging. Big news, it is May here in Michigan. If I have any color at all, it will be in the form of a ‘Famer’s Tan’ from sitting outside at soccer games. These dresses would require I start sunning myself immediately in the backyard, much to my neighbor’s chagrin. Not to mention all the wrinkles that are appearing on my face just thinking about it.
Paleness aside, lets talk about upper arms. Not everyone is extremely fit. Sure, in my younger days, I didn’t think twice about a tank top. Now, I think about it about 55 times. My arms may or may not offend, I have no idea. But I also don’t like always having to have a sweater with me at these events. (Dress + Sweater = More Money for Macy’s)
My other option is to wear a dress that looks like either I am mother of the bride, or possibly getting ready to attend my own 70th anniversary party. There is just not much in between. Is it really so hard to ask for a dress that is modestly cut with just a little bit of sleeves?? I don’t want to look like I am 90 years old, and I also don’t want to make people run in the opposite direction when they see me coming.
I guess this post should have been titled ‘Rant for Thursday’, but it just didn’t flow as well. By the way, this is not an affront to the person whose wedding I am attending- I am thrilled to be invited. This is an affront to the people who decide what fashion is and how we should dress.
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Shopping advice:
First of all, stay away from Macy’s. They only have 70 year old mother-of-the-bride dresses or the Juniors department with plunging dresses made for girls who have boobs that are still where they are supposed to be without the aide of a harness.
Second, you can wear a sleeveless or somewhat less modest dress and there are some really nice little sleeve caps/shoulder sweater/hide the flab on your arms thingys that are out right now and they aren’t very expensive and you can borrow one from me because I have several.
Third, if you are worried about the paleness of your skin or the uneven tan, there are several products you can use without adding wrinkles and scaring the neighbors. Jergen’s makes a moisturizing lotion (which you need to use anyways) that has a hint of color as do several others. There are also sprays (not fake tans but make-up in a can) that will give you a little color and they aren’t expensive. I bought one that was called nylons in a can (or something like that) so that I didn’t have to wear panty-hose. It washes off in the shower… just don’t rub against anyone and make sure you spray it on in the shower because it is a little messy. Or outside… only you should be naked when you use it so you’ll really freak the neighbors out even more than the tanning. If you only want to be passable for the night, then just buy some bronzing face powder and a fluffy brush and after you use the moisturizer, just hightlight your shoulders and back and fronts of your legs etc. It’s kind of fun because it usually has a few different shades in it and you can highlight your muscles and curves in such a way as to give the illusion of muscle or definition. I bet the kids would have fun highlighting you! It sounds complicated but it only takes about 5 minutes.
Last of all, just remember to stick with the simple little black dress that you can wear again with different jewelry to the next party. In fact, I just bought 2 really simple dresses that can be dressed up with jewelry or worn for work or casual. They weren’t expensive (they were but I bought them at a discount store), they aren’t plunging or completely sleeveless and they are comfortable so if you want to borrow one let me know… I think the wrap around one would be perfect, would fit you, and the way it wraps would flatter your waist.
Thanks for the advice. I always debate if I should wear the black dress to a wedding or something more cheerful. I have quite a few black dresses now.
Regarding my fake tan, I have such a hard time with any lotion because they rarely come unscented. So either I wheeze all night and look bronzed, or I will be sporting the Farmer Look.
I can see my clumsy self now- all painted and then dripping all over the nice wedding gown during the receiving line! (You know it would happen too.)
Thanks again! I will have to ponder now…
I’m a 5’2″ pale, pale, pale white girl with freckles and strawberry blond hair and an extra 30-40 pounds and I’ve never enjoyed shopping anyway.
I still like sleevless tops and dresses (luckily I have proporional boobage, so plunging is good to me)…it’s just too hot in Houston, TX to care if someone is going to be offended by white, flabby arms. Plus, I’m a funny and bubbly person, so hopefully they’ll like me for my attitude and ignore the extra weight. Also, they’re probably thinking about their own personal flab or lack of boobs or whatever anyway and not looking that close at me.
I’d also recommend sun screen for your outdoor activities so you can avoid a farmers’ tan in the future (and skin cancer). Both of my grandfather’s are currently having skin cancer frozen off their faces, arms, and backs on a regular basis and it looks (and feels according to them) absolutely awful.
Good luck with the clothes hunting! Just know you aren’t the only one who absolutely hates it…
Hey! I’m probably too late for this wedding but Parisian has a pretty big dress selection. I actually found a flattering one last spring that was a kind of wrap with short sleeves. Hope you found one you like and that you have fun at the wedding!
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